Right now I am typing in the darkening nursery that has recently become Hoss’s new room. I have bent the screen down on my laptop so I can see the keys. My sixth grade typing teacher would be so ashamed. And on my right is a baby who will not stop crying. And across the hall is a 2 year old who won’t stop crying. I am losing.
And what is making me feel so defeated is the certainty that I am no longer capable of speaking without irritating people. My beliefs are too unconventional, my values are too traditional, my actions are too radical, my loyalty is too militant, my parenting is too extreme.
I keep thinking of new blogposts, and have even started writing some. I stupidly rejoined Facebook.
I can see that I have been talking myself out of every advantage I have. I have been looking at life as a search for truth, but it’s actually a big competition about who believes the right things, who says the right things, who feels the right things.
And I don’t.
I keep running into this wall time and time again, getting myself nowhere.
And so, I have made a decision. I am giving in. I accordance with your demands…
I will gently discipline my children.
I will support a woman’s right to choose.
I will demand the government provide for my family’s health.
I will wean when the baby bites.
I will complain about being fat.
I will lose the baby weight.
I will stop having children.
I will give birth in a hospital.
I will sue the pants off of anyone associated with a bad turn.
I will only hire union.
I will moisturize.
I will call people racists, bigots, and homophobes without a trial.
I will allow the Motion Picture Academy of America to decide what my children can watch.
I will support the troops, and curse their mission.
I will desire a fundamental change in our country, starting with the Constitution.
I will leave my children’s education to the professionals.
I will not impose by offering help.
I will not stop by unless I am invited.
I will not start the conversations.
I will wear the right clothes.
I will hold the children down until they do as well.
I will call us all equal.
I will condemn anyone who opposes the craziest enemies for fear of tripping their hair triggers.
I will fight for my children, but not yours.
I will not rest until my children have apologized for every perceived playtime wrong and hugged strangers because I find it sweet.
I will keep my children rear facing until four and make disdainful comments towards those who don’t.
I will embrace the ludicrous and reject common knowledge.
I will inject my children and myself with everything that is determined to be good for the herd to absolve myself of responsibility.
I will not be paranoid.
And when I am done, when I have smoothed out every flaw in my person, I will be magnificent, radiant, perfect.
I will be a god made in the image of man.
And when that day comes when the me you want me to be has arrived, I will be gone. And, for some reason, I don’t think you’d mind. But the One who made me this way would.
And this is the fight I have with the Evil One when it all goes to hell in my house. Disciplined faith and inborn ego are the only things that bring me back. Into the fight. After I talk myself out.
Ps-I’m going to work on bringing the music back. Why? because I can and I’m not in much of a mood to care if it tees some random visitors off. In the meantime: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOnrJqaa-nY